A Moment Of Your Time

Dearest Blog Readers,
It is with a heavy sense of humility that I, Dr. Jonathan M West, esq., becomes the newest member of this quaintly titled "Baby Blog". For several weeks now, I have been endeavoring to become the best baby that I can be. Pursuant to this, I have taken up the mantle of "Blog Writer" in addition to my other titles: "PhD", "Professor of Baby Studies, Harvard", and "Poop Factory". Therefore, in between my daily rituals of bowel evacuation, feedings, sleeping when my parents are awake, waking when my parents are sleeping, and transcendental meditation, I will be offering my commentary on the life of a modern infant.

I know that this electronic forum has devolved into a wasteland of mediocrity in the hands of my father, colloquially known as "Daddy", but I'm here to see that this kind of irresponsible blog writing will come to end.

First order of business will be to recall the events of my birth.

I was brought into this world on September 28, 2009 at 12:09pm after being ripped from my mother's womb by a gregarious man in what I now believe was a blue jumper. Prior to that time, I occupied myself with rousing games of tic-tac-toe, preparing my dissertation on the effects of external stimulus on the fetal mind and drawing pictures of horsies on the placenta. I was safe. I was warm. I was happy. Then, without warning, I am taken from my lovely home into a cold and bright and empty area. I see this person with what appeared to be a dead badger on his face, claiming to be my "daddy", and a drugged woman on a slab that "daddy" claimed was my "mommy". Needless to say, I began to scream bloody murder. I was then whisked away and cleaned and prodded, all the while I was attempting to tell the Onesie-clad people that there had been some sort of mistake and would they please stop poking that or trying to put that thing in my rectum. After what seemed like an eternity, my torturers clothed me and sent me into a room with two people claiming to be my "grandma and grandpa". Finally, the sort of people who would be able to take care of my fragile form! But, alas, this brief comfort was also snatched from me as I was returned to the hairy man and the near comatose woman.

The day grows long and the siren call of my liquid diet is nigh. I am on a liquid diet in order to watch my weigh. You can never start too early.

I say adieu, fair readers. I shall continue my story anon.