Finally got my computer back...

Now that Jack is asleep, I figured that it was a good time to update both of you readers on the:

STATE OF THE WEST HOUSEHOLD!

ahem...

First, we've been making the house all spiffy-like in anticipation of house guests. You see, our house was built in the 60's. So far all I can gather is that there is some sort of space-time bubble that has kept this house in the exact same state it was built in for the past 50 years. Either that, or the previous owners were older and unable to update it.

That Occam guy doesn't know what he's talking about. It's clearly the bubble thing.

The short time frame for the renovation combined with the fact that I'm a cheap bastard means that we've had to find alternative ways to make the house all fancified. Instead of getting a whole new counter top in the kitchen (which was a fantastic orange-red color before, much like the last gasp of a dying star right before it turns the first few planets in a solar system into crispy jerky), we decided instead to paint it. Now, it's a nice gray color that really sets off my eyes. And the kitchen...

Next, we tackled the bathtub. It was a wonderful green color that oddly resembled pea soup. Linda Blair pea soup. When she was in The Exorcist...? You haven't seen it? Really? Go rent it. Or get it from Netflix. With that download service they have. Seriously. That movie will freak your stuff out. Wow, you are lame...

Anyway, pea soup green bathtub. As the Cheap Monster reared its head, we decided to buy a paint specifically made for bathtubs. Yes, bathtub paint. They make it. And it seems to work pretty well. But, since the bathtub is located in the center of the house, with no windows, one small door and poor ventilation, I now know what the color green tastes like.

Oddly, it doesn't taste anything like pea soup.

Next up is the railing on the front porch, which has been chipping and peeling. Carly's been scraping and sanding and thinning it as much as she can, but it looks like we might just have to buy new a new railing. Or torch the house. Whatever.

Second, since I'm tired of blogging for now, I'll make this a two part blog. Yes, something to look forward to. I know it's exciting, but settle down both of you.

Neptune Ain't Got Nothin' On Me!

Finally, the weather in whatever state we're in now has warmed up to the point that parkas have been put away and Mr. Sun has decided to make his appearance. So, Badger-face and Mommy pulled out this big inflatable raft that they filled with water, which seems to me to be contraindicated to its intended purpose. Then, they set me up with this sweet hat and a diaper that helps keep water out (again, contraindicated). I got into the raft and impressed both of my parents with my water treading ability.

Then we had to get out because I spit up a little into the pool water.

The bonus of all this is that Mommy managed to squirt Badger-face and the dog with my spit up water. It's always funny to see Daddy running around like a little girl.

Speaking of impressing those two, (easy, I know. Heck, I fart and they're impressed) I decided to throw them a bone this week. Mommy came into my room after my nap and, being the beefy guy that I am, pushed myself up onto my hands and knees, just to show off. She managed to take a picture of it to show Daddy and the two of them just guffawed. It's really cute when they get all excited like that...

Mommy's done with teaching school, which means she'll get to spend lots more time with me! I'm very excited about this as it means that I no longer have to go to work. Yes, I have a job. It mostly involves me keeping about 4 other kids entertained all day while Mommy and the Badger-face are at work or school or the mall or whatever it is they do all day. So, less work for me, except now I have to entertain Mommy all day. And Daddy all night. It's exhausting being a cute baby.

For now, they've left me at Grandma's house so they can run around "the city" and have a "date". I'm not sure why they couldn't take me with them if all they're going to do is eat small fruit, but whatever. It's nice over here.

It has begun...

"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"

I have begun the first steps toward my eventual take over of the Earth. Mind you, I don't normally have aspirations of world domination, but this week has been a busy one and my typical peaceful demeanor has changed a little.

For starters, mommy picked me up a fantastic device at something called a "garage sale". I assumed it would be called a garage, but, alas, no. She calls it a walker, and it has 4 wheels, a tray and is built like a rock. I have decided that this is no ordinary walker, but a tank. A massive quad-wheeled weapon of mass destruction that will make the world tremble in fear of my awesome unstoppable blitzkrieg!

I've named her Doris.

Currently, my operational theater is limited to sorties against the dog, but as she tries to steal my thunder anyway, I find it amusing. As the dog goes about her daily routine, sleeping, eating, begging daddy for food and walkings, I take it upon myself to try out the capabilities of my wheeled juggernaut by following her and trying to grab her. But, since the tray sticks out really far, I'll have to settle for just running her over with it.

Also, the tray has a lot of room for my toys.

My ire has been flared by the arrival of what my "parents" have called "diaper rash". And not just any diaper rash, but the diaper rash from Hades. It hurts a lot. We had to see the doctor for it and he gave them this thick stuff that they have to smear on my butt when they change my diaper. It's humiliating! And I do not appreciate it! If I didn't love them so much, I would be quite miffed at them. That, and my fanny hurts.

The plus side is that I made a new friend today at the hospital. He's a nice, fluffy stuffed red guy that the nice people at the hospital introduced to me. He comforted me during my time of woe and for that, he has earned my trust. I have decided to call him Augustus.

Bed time! Maybe tomorrow will be a better, less angry day...